I been fighting these last days with the Meineirs I have.
There are times when I am very lucid and then there are the times I want to yell and scream. My head for the most part is attached at best as can be.
For the rest of the time; I feel like I am carrying some "heavy stuff". I would just like to remove it so I can function. I called the Pharmacist and he suggested that I stay away from all those I love and lock myself in a dark room and sleep this off
. I go through these up and down feelings of irritability and rage. Both of which Dale has gotten to participate in; (poor guy). I think at one point I could have actually bitten someone's head off. Now I think I know what "Ozzie Osborne" must of felt like; maybe not. Of course eatting an animal's head off is not the greatest of ideas at any time.
There are times when I am very lucid and then there are the times I want to yell and scream. My head for the most part is attached at best as can be. For the rest of the time; I feel like I am carrying some "heavy stuff". I would just like to remove it so I can function. I called the Pharmacist and he suggested that I stay away from all those I love and lock myself in a dark room and sleep this off. I go through these up and down feelings of irritability and rage. Both of which Dale has gotten to participate in; (poor guy). I think at one point I could have actually bitten someone's head off. Now I think I know what "Ozzie Osborne" must of felt like; maybe not. Of course eatting an animal's head off is not the greatest of ideas at any time.However I am learning what it means to just let go and let God. We have been here now for over a month; and none of Dale's "Uncles and Aunts"; with the exception of "Aunt Sue" have been buy. Several of them have gotten to be "well off" and are afraid you may need or want something from them. I wanted nothing but to hopefully have more family. But it is what it is. The most important people to me here are Dale's folks. It is very comforting to sit and watch Dale and his Dad paint our picket fence. I wonder what they would have said if I had decided to have a yellow or red fence. Probably would not have gone over to well. But I did choose white. It reminds me of peace and of who I want to be like. There are so many different colors that remind me of my walk with God and how I would love to "do" things for people to make them happy. Even in my own family; I cannot seem to reach that level with them. They live in San Antonio and I am here; but even before we moved we did not talk hardly. Normally I would have been sad or even upset; but I am finding a level of peace here that transcends anything that I would have dreamed about. It is for this I am so blessed to have been a part of someone else's life. People try to tell me that I am "shoving" feelings down; but I tell you I'm not. God is in my "neck of the woods" and when I sit outside and listen to the trees and the cows and all other "non" city noises; I am truly reminded of whom I belong to. And I know deep down that he will continue to carrry me. Have a great day.
Hugs.
Me
The heavy metal "pings" are from coming off the Effexor. They are especially nasty when you turn your head. Sorry about the Meineir's. I agree that a dark room would be a help.
ReplyDeleteI'm staying with the Effexor. It rounds out the edges. I get upset - but, not angry. It allows me to have feelings without heading for the ceiling. That means that I can rationally talk to John most of the time. It also means that I know when to quit because he's not going to move one iota from his stance!
Lots of love,
Jo